Do you have or did you have a good father? By the way, what does it mean to be a good father? be present? Provide welfare? Offer quality time? Much is said about the attribution of motherhood, but the discussion about fatherhood and its full realization, as well as the fair division of children’s requirements between mothers and fathers, is still in its infancy.

For centuries, the primary function of man has been to provide for the home and family. Women should focus on raising and educating children. This secular division of functions that distinguishes father and mother has led to a rift that is increasingly questioned today: fathers who are present but absent.

Parents who are present but not present can also seriously affect the emotional development of children and adolescents – Photo: Pexels / ND

“He didn’t disappear physically, but emotionally he was never there. It would be better if he left me. Leaving indoors is the saddest thing. He thought he was just setting the table with food and doing a lot for his kids,” said the 34-year-old, who asked not to be named but admitted he was suffering from his father’s absence.

“Those who are physically abandoned by their parents can become statistics. But what about those who are emotional? Turned what? The absence of a father breeds the absence of reference. And this lack in a child’s life can cause several consequences in the future, such as problems with aggressiveness, insecurity, fears, reduced school performance, anxiety and problems with obesity,” says psychologist Rafael Frasson.

The man says that when he was 6 years old, he did not see his father for a month, although they lived in the same house. The reason was a temporary conflict between the working and children’s regime. “I once sat up until 1:30 at night waiting for my dad to get home from work. He came, looked at me, rolled his eyes and told me to sleep, shouting that I should not be awake at this hour.

Frasson points out that we can identify three points that most repel parents and children living under the same roof: “parents who had a problematic childhood and could not solve them, those who cannot cope with everyday situations, and those who has status and wealth. priorities.”

Father’s rejection x father’s absence

According to the Transparency Portal, from January to July 2023, about 92,000 babies born in Brazil were abandoned by their parents or do not have the father’s name on their birth certificate. Santa Catarina had a total of 2,504 children during the same period.

The absence of a father, whether physically or emotionally, has a big impact on the development of children. That is, it makes no sense to be a father who lives under the same roof with children and does not actively participate in their lives. This behavior resembles rejection at birth, says Frasson.

Absent parents are not necessarily abandoned, but they are missing — Photo: Publication, ND

“First of all, we are forced to lead a busy life of work and consumption, not caring about the people around us and even about our own health. It turns out that children do not have an understanding of status and money, but care, affection and presence – yes, ”explains the psychologist.

“When paternal exile is accompanied by little care, more serious mental disorders can occur,” he adds.

Lack of commitment to education

A survey of attitudes towards education published today (6) by the Todos pela Educação movement shows that 19% of parents of students consider themselves far from the school environment and their own relationship with their children. On the other hand, 12% of parents are committed, meaning they monitor their children’s progress in school, attend school events, and maintain close relationships with children and teens.

The survey included 2,002 parents or guardians of students aged 4 to 17, attending kindergarten through high school, in public and private schools throughout the country. Depending on the greater or lesser assessment of education and connection with the child or young person, the study categorizes parents as involved (25%), connected (27%), intermediate (17%), committed, and distant.

Among parents who are considered distant, 25% try to find out about the school’s educational offerings, 37% help organize class material, and 20% tell their child about academic talents and other activities. In addition, 60% enjoy the moments spent with relatives, and 59% believe that respectful relations reign between everyone in the family.

Of the 12% committed, 86% learn about the school’s teaching offer, 98% observe absenteeism, 91% respect the opinions of children and youth, 79% communicate with the school on student development, 100% love family moments. and 99% believe that there is a relationship of respect among its members.

The absence of parents on memorable dates can have a psychological impact

The psychologist explains that memorable dates are a great opportunity for parents and children to create memories together and strengthen bonds. According to him, the absence of a father in such cases can cause feelings of sadness, abandonment and rejection. “These feelings can turn into emotional trauma that can affect a child’s development.”

“Several times I felt rejected. He almost never came to my birthdays. When I turned 12, my mother cooked dinner, and everything went well, but he found something to fight with me and with her in the middle of the holiday. Either he won’t go, or he’ll get into trouble. It was hard to visit friends and see that their parents behave differently from mine, ”recalls the man.

For Frasson, our society will only have a better future when men break this barrier of caring for children so that they do not become psychologically destroyed adults. “It’s very disappointing to see so many fathers outsourcing the care, responsibilities, and upbringing of children to mothers and others and shaping emotionally complex adults,” Frasson concludes.

Absent fathers, overworked mothers

BIGS (Brazilian Institute of Geography and Statistics) has already proven that women work almost twice as much as men. In addition to official employment, household chores and family care take up more than 21 hours of the weekly routine of Brazilian women.

Working, taking care of the house, going to the market, making appointments, playing with the kids… This huge to-do list can overwhelm a woman not only mentally, but also physically. And this burden is exacerbated by the lack of partnership with partners in raising and educating children.

Psychological overload experienced by women as a result of a lack of cooperation and commitment from their partners is classified by psychologist Ana Carolina Mauricio, a clinical psychologist and graduate student in gender at UFSC, as “silent and invisible” suffering. because society puts a woman in the role of always available.

“You have to learn to say no, set limits, and demand that demands be shared. Self-loading is one of the main causes of mental overload in women. Realizing my grievances and desires and understanding that I am responsible for what I live and that I can change is the way, ”Ana emphasized.