People often seek out sex therapy for guidance on how to experience pleasure. How can I have sex to feel pleasure? In what position is it best to feel pleasure? What should be the foreplay to enjoy? What should I watch or read to enjoy?

People often seek sexual therapy seeking guidance on how to enjoy themselves — Photo: Pixabay/Disclosure/ND

Sex therapy is not meant to show you how to enjoy your sex life the right way. In fact, it is about getting to know yourself and discovering the importance of sex, how you feel pleasure, how your body feels pleasure, what is the right stimulus for you, what fantasies you are interested in. It is always important to emphasize that there is no sexual activity in sex therapy, work is done through narratives.

In Sexual Cognitive Therapy (SCT – by Dr. Aline Sardinha, 2017), psychotherapeutic work is done collaboratively, meaning you are an active participant in the process. The idea is that you become autonomous in your sex life. Soon you will learn how you will enjoy your sex life, how you will have a full and healthy sex life, what sex means to you, what place you give sex in your life, knowing what turns you on and what gives you pleasure.

And remember, it’s none of my business (as a psychologist specializing in human sexuality and sexual cognitive therapist) and it’s none of the business of any professional to show you the proper way to have sex. The right path is yours, the one that brings you pleasure, and for that you must learn how to do it.

However, I invite you to refuse to normalize the way you experience pleasure. Remember erogenous zones? These are the areas of your body that bring you sexual sensations. These are also the genital areas, but not only them.

So let’s think about the pleasure map for your body. Do you know the most sensitive points on your body? Those points that cause desire and arousal … I know that you have the vulva, clitoris, penis, scrotum, perineum, “ass”, breasts and nipples – also known as intimate parts. But besides these areas, what other areas of your body give you strong feelings of pleasure?

From head to toe, what areas of your body are considered non-sexual, and therefore not obviously pleasurable, that are arousing and pleasurable when stimulated? I speak from head to toe because our body organ with the most nerve endings and the most sensitive to touch and stimuli is the human skin. Thus, the skin is an erogenous zone that can be stimulated and aroused in many ways.

Have you ever thought about what kind of sensory stimuli (sensations!) you like? Where do you like to kiss? How do you like being kissed? Do you like coffee? Do you like smells and licks? More intense or softer trail? Do these sensations stimulate you mentally? Do you fantasize about sex to feed those feelings?

Your experience with your own body will lead you to non-obvious ways to have fun. Know that not everything has to be genital, including masturbation, it doesn’t have to be exclusively genital. With self-stimulation, with self-touch, you can discover these unexpected places of pleasure, and when you dance for two, two, three or more, bring these discoveries into your sexual experience.

In my clinical consultations and in the communications I receive, the question always arises as to whether it is necessary to use sex toys to activate or enhance these openings. It will also depend on whether you like it or not. Your hands, your imagination and your own body will lead you to obvious and non-obvious places of pleasure, the use of sexual accessories will depend on the sexual game you choose. It is neither mandatory nor determinative.

It is sexual education that will improve your fantasies and non-obvious ways of feeling pleasure, and it will be the fantasies that will lead you to renew and renew areas of pleasure, types of touch, positions and sexual activities with practice.

With all this, I leave you to think: you know how you like it?