Single women, open to dating, new experiences or finding love, never get tired of asking: “Why don’t men come more often?” Those who enjoy “old-fashioned” flirting, i.e. face-to-face, in bars, clubs or at events, have noticed a significant decrease approachesespecially from men to women.

Imagine the scene: on one side, four friends are sitting at a bar table. On the other hand, the three friends are watching, exchanging glances and even giggling with the girls. Everyone is expected to introduce themselves and sit down together to exchange ideas or at least contacts. But the reality is that after 10 minutes of talking at a distance, all the men get up from the table and leave. Women, confused, even call this phenomenon “fake flirting.”

Women point out lack of approach from men — Photo: Freepik/ND

“Why did he look at me, smile and not bring up the subject and ask for my number?” one of the girls at the table asked. Apparently this is the question that does not want to shut up.

Relationship specialist Rafael Albano, aka Nerd Sedutor, explains that in some cases a man won’t go to a woman because he doesn’t know how to act or how to take the next step. According to Albano, he may not take the initiative to approach a woman and not know what position to be in next to her.

“These men need to understand that a girl will only defeat those who have the initiative, and not those who stand in the corner, just smiling or looking,” he said.

Psychoanalyst Chris Pereira adds that “it’s hard to say why men don’t approach women more, but shyness, fear and insecurity are strongly influenced.”

According to psychologist Vanessa Cardoso, this lack of attitude can mask intense insecurities. Usually they are resentful people who have already been so rejected that they no longer have the courage to approach someone.

The psychologist also calls the constant need for approval a hindrance. “People just don’t want to take risks. But understand, it’s not because you’ve been dumped by someone less valuable. The only stage when they do everything for us is infancy. We need to position ourselves and be mature.”

In this respect, Raphael emphasizes the consequence of the social and historical construction between the sexes. “Men stop racing because they need to race. Some of the standards proposed by society suggest that the man should come first, but the woman should also invite, take the initiative.”

Behind the “false flirting” lies another excuse, supported by Vanessa. Many men—and women—exchange looks and expressions just to feel noticed. “Sometimes a person is in a committed relationship but tries to flirt to see if they’re still wanted, if they’re in the game.”

Face-to-face flirting is influenced by technological advances

“I exchange stickers with them all day long, but there comes a moment when it seems that everything is tired, that things are not moving forward. Therefore, I stop answering or calling, ”admitted physical education teacher Fernando da Silva, 25 years old.

Faced with the statement, Albano explains that one of the contributing factors to “zero to zero” is the placement of men. “Today I am 39 years old and married, but when I was younger, I would get together with friends and we would ring the doorbell of the neighbors to introduce ourselves and get to know them. Men today are enjoying Instagram Stories and already think they are doing a lot,” he muses.

According to Vanessa, technological advances make people lose the desire to communicate. “We don’t even talk to our neighbors, we don’t exchange ideas with people. Many people have lost their social skills,” added Vanessa Cardoso.

Chris Pereira agrees and stresses the importance of using social media wisely so that it doesn’t affect intimacy in a relationship. “Despite the fact that everything is concentrated in a virtual environment, relationships should not cease to exist physically.

Vanessa sings in chorus. “Go to the supermarket! Any place is a place of exchange. It’s great to bring up the topic and stop being afraid of live music,” he suggests.

And when they even come but soon disappear

Returning to the table with the girls who were left to “watch the ships”, one of them fizzles out. “It happened that the“ beloved ”flirted, exchanged stormy conversations with me, made it clear about his interest, and the next day he simply stopped talking, did not answer anymore.”

This behavior, known as ghosting, can have multiple motives. One of them is the famous fear of getting hurt. “When they realize that they are involved, they cut off contact. This is due to injuries and the fear of being disappointed again,” explains Vanessa.

Another point is the immediacy imposed by technology. “People need to understand that the game of conquest takes time. And because they want to rush things, they end up giving up. Relationships are being built. It doesn’t take long for the flirting to turn into something cool. People prefer to focus on the result, they don’t want to go through the process,” he emphasizes.

Rafael Albano agrees and quotes a certain male “tantrum”. “Men often give up because if it’s not their way, they choose not to contact anymore.”

It illustrates the concept. “A friend was traveling around Europe and met a seemingly handsome guy. When she mentioned that she would be returning to Brazil soon, he tried to make the relationship more serious. She then said that they couldn’t make things more serious because, in addition to not knowing each other well, she had her own obligations in Brazil. After this conversation, he got upset and blocked her on all social networks, ”she said.

Has flirting become a disappearing tea? What to do?

According to Vanessa, the first step after accepting the famous “lost” is to understand that the world is not over yet and that acceptance does not have to come from another. However, if your intuition says that persistence is worth it, the advice is: persist. “But always be careful not to hurt yourself by observing and contemplating the standards of the other without going beyond your own limits,” the psychologist recommends.

Psychoanalyst Chris Pereira points to a careful assessment of the factors that contributed to the disappearance. “Why are you avoiding a possible romance? Is it because of the culture? Is it because of your values? What are the reasons?

She recalls that “although we know that culture plays an important role in human behavior, we are not obliged to follow any standard imposed by society, but to act on what makes us feel good, even if it sounds strange in front of everything and everyone.”

For Albano, it’s important that women also do self-reflection in the process: “Am I putting time, feelings, and initiative into making the flirting happen?” he suggests.

Now if your fear is reset, relax! “There are eight billion people on this planet. Surely someone good will notice your worth. If someone didn’t want you, someone else will want you,” says Vanessa.

Parallel between red pills and fear of rejection

The red pill movement, an expression inspired by the movie The Matrix but whose concept was unacceptable in a misogynistic culture, is being used on social media to defend the idea that men shouldn’t have affective relationships with women as it would all be manipulative and self-serving. Usually these are men who have experienced rejection or bad dates.

Supporters of this movement believe that the system favors women and spread the idea that men need to know how to identify and have sexual relations with “valuable women” (non-feminists, under 30 and without children).

Now let’s move on to a possible parallel between the red pill movement and the mistreatment of women. According to Raphael, the possibility of being rejected and shyness provoke an irrational fear that something wrong will happen when approaching a woman.

“The contents of the red pill scare men because they claim that a woman can accuse a man of harassment just by looking at him or trying to start a conversation. It evokes a sense of distress. Men who share these thoughts often get frustrated and use the excuse “I’m going to focus on myself and my personal growth.” They think women should knock on their doors,” Albano says.

Vanessa completes the thought: “Men who seek this advice usually believe these thoughts before they look for another ‘solution’.”